Foster parenting can be hard work. Indeed, it may just be the hardest work you ever do. You will often find yourself exhausted, both mentally and physically, and feel drained. The job will require you to work 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, with no time off. You will probably feel overworked and underappreciated.
I was there, myself.
I was tired.
My wife and I had been caring for a sibling group of five children from foster care who had been placed in our home and had been with us for several months. The five, ranging in age from 5-13, had a number of challenges and anxieties they struggled with. These included Reactive Attachment Disorder, Eating Anxieties, Sleep Disorders, Lying, Anger Management issues, issues of trust and attachment, and sexual activity.
It seemed that every day, or perhaps every hour, was a constant battle of some kind. To be sure, my wife and I cared deeply for these five children, and considered them a part of our family. Indeed, I wanted nothing more than to be of help to these children, and I was grateful for the opportunity to provide a place of safety, stability, and unconditional love for them.
Yet, I was tired. I was exhausted. I was worn out.
I was suffering from Compassion Fatigue.
Quite simply, I was exhausted from caring.
A very real condition for foster parents and caregivers is Compassion Fatigue, also known as Secondary Traumatic Stress or STS. Dr. Charles Figley states that Secondary Traumatic Stress is “the natural consequent behaviors resulting from knowledge about a traumatizing event experienced by a significant other. It is the stress resulting from helping or wanting to help a traumatized or suffering person.” As foster parents, we are likely to experience some sort of emotional or physical response to the variety of stresses and anxieties when we care for those who have suffered from abuse, neglect, and trauma. Indeed, we are often at risk of STS, or Compassion Fatigue, as we not only work with children who have suffered trauma and anxiety but live with these children 24 hours a day. So it should not come as a surprise that, According to a study by the University of Bristol’s Hadley Centre for Adoption and Foster Care, Compassion Fatigue is a condition that is widespread among today’s foster parents.
Several factors can contribute to Compassion Fatigue. These include over-empathizing with a child and his history of trauma, which might place us at risk of internalizing their pain and trauma. Along with that, we might have experienced our own personal trauma or personal loss, and our own past experiences may resurface, making us even more at risk for internalizing the trauma of the child placed in our home and one that we are caring for. For some, Compassion Fatigue might also occur due to lack of a lack of recovery time. As we care for children in our home on a daily basis, and with children coming in and out of our homes constantly, we often do not allow ourselves any time to recover from a very emotionally demanding lifestyle. Finally, as we continue to listen to the traumatic and sometimes horrific stories that the children placed in our homes have experienced, this not only wears us down emotionally and burns us out but can lead to Compassion Fatigue.
There are a number of ways of treating or addressing Compassion Fatigue. To begin with, those who suffer from Compassion Fatigue must practice self-care; something that is critical for foster parents. In truth, if we do not care for ourselves, we cannot care for the children placed in our homes who are in desperate need of support, compassion, and love.
Self-care means taking time for ourselves. This can be difficult for foster parents, as we often spend our time caring for the children in crisis placed in our homes. Yet, we need to find a balance between caring for the children and caring for our own needs.
Sometimes, taking time for yourself also means saying “no” to the next phone call, and potentially, next placement. It is okay to say “No,” once in a while as a foster parent. It is okay for you to take time for yourself, your spouse, and your family. It is okay to re-charge those batteries. It’s okay to take some time off to grieve the loss of a child from foster care in your home, and in your life.
One way to address Compassion Fatigue is by allowing our hearts to break. Indeed, we should become emotionally attached to the children placed in our home. It is healthy for us to become emotionally invested and allow attachments to be formed with the foster children. If we try to protect ourselves from becoming attached, we might not be able to help the ones we are trying to care for.
Good exercise, a proper and healthy diet, and a decent amount of sleep also go a long way toward combatting Compassion Fatigue. Finally, it is important that you, as a foster parent, find a foster parent support group or association in your area that you can join and belong to. One way to truly help yourself is to surround yourself with a support group of fellow foster parents, especially when you are worn out and exhausted. You can seek support from friends and family that foster, but make no mistake; no one truly understands a foster parent like another foster parent. You will find there is a great benefit to being in a support organization, as they will provide you with not only support but also information, fellowship, and important insight that will help you be a better foster parent and help you through even the most difficult, challenging, and emotionally exhausting placements.
As a caregiver of children in crisis, it is critical that you take care of yourself. To prevent falling into Compassion Fatigue, you need to ensure that you are watching out for yourself, finding the time you need, and getting the help you need to care for not only the children in your home but also yourself and your family. If you do not, everything that you do will suffer.
About This Author
Dr. John DeGarmo
Dr. John DeGarmo is an international expert in parenting and foster care and is a TEDx Talk presenter. Dr. John is the founder and director of The Foster Care Institute. He and his wife have had over 60 children from foster care come through their home. He is an international consultant to schools, legal firms, and foster care agencies, as well as an empowerment and transformational speaker and trainer for schools, child welfare, businesses, and nonprofit organizations. He is the author of several books, including Keeping Foster Children Safe Online, and writes for several publications. He can be contacted at drjohndegarmo@gmail.com, through his Facebook page, Dr. John DeGarmo Foster Care Expert, or at The Foster Care Institute.
