Fostering is a gift.
When a child can no longer be cared for by their parents, foster care provides them with a safe, reliable, and nurturing temporary housing environment. The goal of foster care is parent-child reunification, but until that happens, foster parents are responsible for stepping in and assuming the role of that child’s birth parents. This means providing basic needs such as food, shelter, medical care, and most importantly, love.
If you’re interested in becoming a foster parent, that’s amazing! However, it’s important to know that there are rules and boundaries that all Texas foster parents must implement and enforce while the child is in your care. These foster parent rules and boundaries vary, but share the goal of keeping foster children safe and prioritizing reunification. Anything less can lead to difficulties for the child(ren) in your care.
Today’s blog will cover the importance of foster parent rules and boundaries, tips for following through with them, and the benefits that they have for any child in your temporary care.
The Importance of Foster Parent Rules and Boundaries
Though foster care may be necessary for protecting a child’s mental and physical well-being, it’s not without its challenges. Not only can the act of suddenly being removed from one’s home and placed in an unfamiliar environment be traumatizing, but oftentimes foster children have already experienced traumatic events. These could vary but commonly include exposure to substance abuse, physical violence, severe neglect, or sexual assault.
These traumatic experiences can lead to posttraumatic stress disorder, anxiety, social withdrawal, depression, and eating disorders. However, they can also lead to a foster child acting out aggressively and engaging in destructive behaviors, including property damage, lying, stealing, and trying to test the limits of their foster parents and/or foster siblings. All of this highlights the need for rules and boundaries within a foster care setting.
Just like for any child, rules help them learn healthy coping mechanisms, how to act with others, and how their actions affect others. Rules also help a child understand the importance of boundaries. Like rules, boundaries teach children what kinds of behaviors are acceptable and which aren’t. For example, if a foster child is angry, they can talk about how they’re feeling and cry as an accepted behavior instead of punching a wall.
Boundaries, like rules, may be difficult for foster children to adhere to if they lived in an environment where they didn’t exist. Regardless, these boundaries are needed for children to feel secure. There’s a myth that children don’t like rules and boundaries, but the reality is that their presence makes them feel loved and cared for.
It’s important, however, to be cognizant of how you set and enforce boundaries because you do not want them to come off as a threat. Defined by the APA Dictionary of Psychology, as “an indication of unpleasant consequences used as a means of coercion for failure to comply with a given request or demand,” a threat can lead to negative outcomes in the foster home environment.
If you want to help your foster child learn about the importance of rules and boundaries and establish a trusted relationship, then you have to ensure that they understand the reasoning behind the established rules and boundaries. If children understand why the rule is put in place, they will act out desire as opposed to self-preservation in which they’re scared of what will happen if they don’t.
Remember, as a foster parent, it’s up to you to give that child a safe haven, perhaps for the first time in their life.
How Rules and Boundaries Benefit Parents, Too
It’s not just the children that benefit from rules. Foster parents benefit from them, as well. Here are a few ways in which they do this:
1. They Help Establish A Connection
As a foster parent, it’s going to be hard for your foster child to come to you if you do not share an emotional connection.
Since boundaries help children to feel cared for and secure, their enforcement lets them know that you are a trusted adult, and because of that, they can come to you with their pain and vulnerabilities.
2. They Provide Structure
Being a foster parent means that you are the leader of the home. In order for the environment to be safe and everyone to be cared for the way they need, there has to be structure.
Structure helps foster parents keep everything in order, while also creating an environment in which boundaries can be identified and enforced. This will help them learn how to act, both at home and in school, which will help them assimilate better in social groups moving forward.
3. They Force You To Take Care Of Yourself
Parenting, whether it’s with your biological children or foster children, can be mentally demanding. If you don’t prioritize your mental health, you could experience burnout. With time, this could affect your judgment, mood, and ability to be present for your foster child.
By establishing rules and boundaries, you can make sure that you and your co-foster parent, if applicable, can take care of yourself mentally and physically so that you can bring your best self to the table.
Foster Parent Rules to Have
The information stated above highlights the importance of having rules and boundaries, but what rules should you even have? The answer starts by understanding the requirements of being a foster parent.
To become a foster parent in Texas, you must complete an application, be open and honest about your background and lifestyle, provide references, proof of marriage (if applicable), be at least 21 years of age, provide proof of financial stability, and agree to a thorough home study and criminal background check.
If you meet these requirements, you must also prove that your household pets have all been vaccinated, you are CPR/First Aid certified, underwent TB testing, have ample sleeping space, have no more than six children in your home at any given time, and agree to not use physical violence as a means of discipline. These last few details coincide with the foster parent rules we’re focusing on in this article.
As a foster parent, you must not only agree to what’s listed above but ensure that the rules and boundaries you’re implementing personally create an environment that honors privacy, safety, communication, and behavioral expectations.
1. Privacy
Privacy is important within the household as well as outside of it. As such, some of the basic privacy policies you could put in place for everyone to uphold include:
- Not entering another sibling’s room without permission
- Not sharing photos or private information on social media
- Not discussing personal details about the foster child’s background in public
- Keeping confidential documents safely stored within the home
2. Safety
Rules that prioritize safety are paramount in any foster care environment. These rules and boundaries could include:
- Not leaving the front door unlocked when you leave the house or return home
- Not allowing strangers inside the home
- Asking for permission to use the stove or other appliances
3. Communication
Having good communication is essential for creating a strong relationship between you and your foster child. After all, the goal is to help them come to you when they have a problem and that can only be done if they trust you.
Here are some rules regarding communication you can set and enforce:
- Asking them to be a part of the rule-setting process
- Letting them know which behaviors will and will not be tolerated and why
- Communicating with them that you will be flexible on some rules when good behavior is exhibited, e.g. letting them use their phone for an hour longer
- Setting an expectation of kindness when talking with others
- Letting them know they can always ask questions and vent about their feelings because you will be providing a safe space for them to do so
4. Behavioral Expectations
Setting behavioral expectations is one of the most important foster parent rules that need to be implemented because, as a response to their anger, some foster children may choose to act out violently because it’s what they’ve been shown.
Some of the behavioral expectations, as a foster parent you can set include:
- Not intentionally setting fires
- Not touching the pets or harming them in any way
- Not punching, kicking, or hurting other people in the household or at school
- Not engaging in self-harm behavior, such as cutting
- Not using any tools that can lead to injury
- Not going to the bathroom outside the toilet
- Not intentionally damaging property, such as punching a hole in a wall
- Not using drugs and/or alcohol
- Not yelling indoors
- Not taking items that don’t belong to them
This is not an exclusive list, but it does cover some of the most important foster parent rules and boundaries you’re going to have to enforce while fostering a child. It doesn’t mean that each one will apply, either, but it’s good to have realistic expectations so you’re not caught off guard.
Age-Appropriate Rules and Consistency
The examples of foster parent rules given above may require a little tweaking depending on the age of your foster child. Currently, the average age of a foster child in Texas is seven years old, however, that doesn’t mean you won’t have a child who’s younger or a little bit older.
Because of this range you might experience during your time as a foster parent, it’s wise to understand the current developmental needs that coincide with your foster child’s age. For example, when it comes to chores, you may instruct your seven or eight-year-old foster child to put away their toys and make their bed, while leaving more complex responsibilities like putting away the groceries and clearing the table and doing the dishes to a 12-year-old child.
Establishing and enforcing these age-appropriate rules leads to empowerment, as your foster child will feel proud after accomplishing their task. After implementing these age-appropriate rules, however, it’s important to remain consistent. Though it’s okay to have several age-appropriate chores in rotation, changing the rules around and expecting them to do something that’s beyond their current developmental stage can lead to disappointment and frustration. Without the proper coping skills, this could result in the aggressive behavior you’re trying to avoid by setting boundaries in the first place.
Remember, consistency helps create an expectation of how to behave. To remain consistent in your rules, start small, continue to build, and be patient when encountering any setbacks.
Tips for Foster Parents
Deciding to open your home and your heart to a foster child in need is a selfless act. Setting rules and boundaries is necessary to ensuring the well-being of that child, and by proxy, the rest of your family. Here are some helpful tips for setting foster parent rules:
Involve The Foster Kids in the Process
No one likes being told what to do, and though it is a necessary staple of the parent-child relationship, it doesn’t mean you can’t involve them in the rule-making process when it makes sense to do so.
Involving your foster kids in the rule and boundary-setting process does two things. First, it gives them a voice and a semblance of control, which may have been something they’ve been craving but not received in their previous home environment. Second, when children feel a part of the process, they’re more likely to obey the rules because they feel partly responsible for making them. This ultimately provides them with a sense of empowerment.
Of course, you have the final say but when it comes to creating rules about chores, for example, letting them be a part of the process makes them feel valued.
Allow Flexibility When Unique Circumstances Require It
Even if you fostered a child before, your next experience will look different from your previous one. As such, you will have to be flexible to meet the unique needs of each foster child that comes through your door.
Remember, each child may have experienced a different type of trauma and by proxy, have a different trauma response and need. To help them heal and feel safe, make accommodations by adjusting your communication style, practicing patience, and implementing time management if you need to change your schedule.
Model the Behavior Being Enforced
As a foster parent, you must lead by example. This means that if you’re setting a rule that your foster child must put their dishes in the sink after dinner, then you should, too.
Children are incredibly impressionable, which is why they often model their own behavior after their parents. For foster kids, especially, following rules and adhering to boundaries will be made easier if they also see you partaking in it, because they will feel less alone, and instead, an important part of the family.
Remember, you have to model the positive behaviors you want your children, whether foster children or biological, to exemplify. If you fail to adhere to a rule, make sure to take accountability for it because otherwise, it could be a slippery slope.
Therapeutic Famly Life Can Help You Open Your Heart and Home to a Foster Child in Need
Like adoption, deciding to foster a child in need is one of the most selfless and important things you’ll ever do. If you’re interested in moving forward, understanding the importance of setting rules and boundaries, as well as how you can successfully do so, empowers you to not only be the best foster parent you can be, but it also sets your foster child up for success.
Though the ultimate goal of foster care is reunification, providing a child with a stable environment is one of the best things you can do for their self-esteem, development, and coping skills. It also helps to establish a closer bond between you and your foster child.
If you’re ready to move forward, our team can help. At Therapeutic Family Life, we’ve made it our mission to help Texas children in need. It’s why we feel so strongly about the creation and implementation of foster parent rules and boundaries, as it can help children heal from the trauma and pain they’ve likely endured. Wondering if you could foster? Go ahead and contact us today to speak to a member of our team.
