Navigating Identity: The Adoptee’s Perspective

Years ago, a social media site released a tool where you could see your connections with your friends, your friend’s connections, and then their friends with lines on a map linking each connection. The goal of this was to show just how connected we could be in the digital age.

Nowadays, there are many different types of connections, from friends to family to professional ones or those you meet while simply getting your morning coffee. It is actually a punishment for some to be disconnected. A parent takes away phone privileges, you have to be in time out, or maybe you were made to sit out of recess. Ultimately, it is a punishment because we were made for connection.

Having connections is a topic that relates to all adoptees. I’m one myself, and I love being an adoptee, and well I guess I do not know anything else. I mean, I am good at being an adoptee. I do not know what it’s like to have been raised by a family who was also biologically related to me, and yet I am connected to my adoptive family through adoption.

But does this mean I am not connected to my bio family? Not at all. I will forever be connected genetically to my biological family, even though they are unknown to me. I can be aware of this and still choose to look at the positives while not being naive to the difficulties of being an adoptee. And it is one of these difficulties I want to talk about.

Let’s pretend we are walking on a busy street, and someone passes by, sharing similar characteristics to the ones that you have. Do you wonder how closely you are related to that other person? I do.

I was recently visiting a new city where there were different languages and cultures represented all around me. It was fascinating because I love being surrounded by different sites, sounds, and cultures. But one of the things that captured my attention the most was when I visited a museum in the city. I took Russian language in college, so I know a little, and I found that my eyes were wandering towards the sounds I was hearing in this big museum that I was standing in. Through the people talking around, I heard a mom say, “Вам нужно ложиться спать?” and I knew this mom was asking her kiddo if he wanted to go to sleep.

I was proud of myself for being able to understand and eavesdrop on this family. They walked by, all looking alike, and I found my mind pondering more about that family and their lives and how my life may have been different if I had not been adopted. My brain could not help but tune in and think about all of these huge thoughts in the span of maybe 10 seconds.

“Elena?.. you ok?” my husband asked. I told him how I had heard some Russian, and that I just got into my head a bit. He asked if I was ok and expressed kindness. I went back to what we were looking at originally and went about my day.

As a fellow adoptee, maybe you were adopted from a closed international adoption as I was. Alternatively, maybe you are in a transracial adoption or in an adoption from a different culture or part of the country. Maybe kin adopted you. But no matter what kind of adoptee you are, it is important to recognize that some type of connection got broken in order for your adoption to happen.

Personally, I am proud to be adopted and I love my family. But sometimes, my mind contemplates about all of the ‘what if’ thoughts in life. And if yours does as well, I’m here to tell you that that is okay. When my mind is wondering about missing connections or missing information, I go on to think about what I do know is true.

For example, what is part of my identity? I have a wonderful adoptive family and now a wonderful husband. I am a good worker. I am a loyal friend. Whenever thoughts come into my mind that I may never get the answer to, I reflect back on the truths I know. It is important to do so because although it is okay for our minds to wander, we need to be able to not get stuck in the unknown. My identity is not broken and it is able to hold the weight of the unknowns and questions. I am more than the unknowns in my life. And so are you.

Connections are important, and safe and appropriate connections are invaluable. If I meet another adoptee, then I feel an instant connection to them since we are in our own type of adoption club. It is a unique and special club to be in. A club that is very hard to explain to those not in this club. A shared experience others can’t relate to. It’s a life experience that can often have us adoptees ruminating on questions of how life could have been for us. And while this may seem cause to worry, I want to put adoptive parent’s minds at ease.

Adoptive parents – please know it is normal for adoptees’ minds to wander or want to know more. When we ask questions, it does not mean we are also commenting on our current adoptive families. It could just be that we are asking a question. So, if your adoptee comes to you with questions, be a safe and open space for conversation. Put yourself in our shoes. Healthy connections are vital. Use this opportunity to connect more with your child. Teach healthy boundaries and talk about how to safely and appropriately share your adoptee’s story with others and how to not overshare.

In addition, be supportive throughout this learning experience. There might be parts of the adoption story that get shared with others and are later considered to be more private. If this happens, let your adoptee know that they can always change how much it’s shared or not shared about adoption with other people. It is okay. Talk through these things together as a family.

If you feel particularly taken aback when your adoptee asks you a question regarding their biological family or severed connections, think about this. What if every time an adoptee asks their adoptive family a question, it was a chance to build a connection and not grow distance? Every time your adoptee shares about their mind wandering, the questions they have, etc, this is a time for connection.

To the adoptees reading, understand that each day, we are connected to many things, but our identity and what we know are true are always ours. As adoptees, we are strong and uniquely gifted to adapt and grow. If you get distracted or can’t get out of your thoughts, take a breath and start a mental list of what makes you, you! The list of attributes you assign to yourself has no limit. Keep being brave and sharing your adoptee story. The adoptee-verse is vast, and your story is powerful and made for powerful connections.